HAISMAN: Henry, you mad old bugger!
LINCOLN: Why Mervyn, you objectionable old boor!
HAISMAN: Quite ridiculous to see you, old man. Tell me, what are we going to write next?
LINCOLN: Well, funny you should ask. The other day I bumped into Pat Troughton.
LINCOLN: Who?! Doctor Who, that’s who!
HAISMAN & LINCOLN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
LINCOLN: So…. anyway, Pat lives around the corner from me.
HAISMAN: That’s funny, I thought he lived around the corner from me.
LINCOLN: I think he does sometimes. Anyway, he was saying he’d love us to write him a Doctor Who. He says they never do any shows set on planet Earth!
HAISMAN: What about the one set in the battle of Culloden?
LINCOLN: Apart from that one.
HAISMAN: And the one set in Gatwick Airport.
LINCOLN: And that one.
HAISMAN: And the one set in a Victorian manor house.
LINCOLN: Anyway, we should write one. What do you think?
HAISMAN: I don’t know… Science-fiction. Could be tricky.
LINCOLN: No, no. That’s the beauty of it. Apparently the producers have reduced it down to a formula. You get a small number of characters, set it in a military base or a space station or somewhere isolated, think up some monsters to menace them, Pat turns the table on them in the final reel, and you’re done! Apparently it’s all they do these days.
HAISMAN: Well, that doesn’t sound too hard. Let’s start with the monsters. Maybe Doctor Who discovers some strange and mysterious creatures from myth and legend.
LINCOLN: Oh yes? Doctor Who meets the Loch Ness Monster, for instance?
HAISMAN: Good idea. But they wouldn’t have the budget to do the Loch Ness Monster convincingly.
LINCOLN: Doctor Who and the Egyptian Mummies?
HAISMAN: Good lord, you don’t want to petrify the kiddies!
LINCOLN: Hmm, what about the Abominable Snowman?
HAISMAN: Not bad, thought might be a bit hard to sustain six episodes with just one monster.
LINCOLN: Doctor Who meets the Abominable Snowmen.
HAISMAN: I thought there was just one?
LINCOLN: Mervyn, we’re writing a show about a man who flies through space and time in a police box. We can increase the number of Yeti.
HAISMAN: True. But aren’t they supposed to be shy, elusive creatures?
LINCOLN: Well, maybe they’re not real Yeti. Maybe they’re nasty, brutish robots disguised as Yeti.
HAISMAN: Right. So. Robots disguised as Yeti wandering round… The Himalayas, I suppose. How will they do that on a BBC budget?
LINCOLN: Not to worry. We went to Wales last holidays. Very picturesque. Lots of hills.
HAISMAN: OK, so robots disguised as Yeti, in Wales. What are they up to? Taking over the world I suppose?
LINCOLN: Yes, that’ll do. Hang on, who built these robots?
HAISMAN: And who disguised them as Yeti?
LINCOLN: And are they going to talk, so they can spell out their evil plan?
HAISMAN: Hang on, maybe there’s a controlling influence of some kind. Like a Yeti King or something.
LINCOLN: Or maybe a controlling intelligence. Formless, invisible and best of all, cheap!
HAISMAN: The Intelligence. Doesn’t sound very menacing.
LINCOLN: Call it the Great Intelligence!
HAISMAN: Much better. So is this all set on the side of a mountain somewhere.
LINCOLN: That sounds cold. No, let’s set it in a Buddhist monastery. The Intelligence can possess one of the lamas there and he can be King of the Yeti.
HAISMAN: Is there something a bit iffy about suggesting that a non-Western house of religion is exactly the sort of place where a formless evil might fester and take over humans for evil?
LINCOLN: No, I don’t think so.
HAISMAN: I mean, could we set it in a Christian monastery instead?
LINCOLN: Out of the question. I’ve got to save that for my book about the Holy Grail.
HAISMAN: OK, so monastery, possessed lamas, Yeti robots. Is it enough for six episodes?
LINCOLN: Sure it is! And if not, we’ll have a Yeti cave on the mountain that people will have to keep traversing between. And various people can get possessed and have to capture Yeti and so on. And Pat can put on a big coat and be mistaken for a Yeti. It’ll be a hoot.
HAISMAN: Perhaps there should be glowing pyramids of power!
LINCOLN: Sure, why not?
HAISMAN: What year should we set it in?
HAISMAN: Any reason?
LINCOLN: Not particularly.
HAISMAN: Well, this is just writing itself!
LINCOLN: OK, let’s flip for the typing. Heads or tails?
HAISMAN: Heads. (Coin flips)
LINCOLN: Tails! Suck it, Haisman!
HAISMAN: (sighs) OK, give me the names of the characters.
LINCOLN: Right, so there’s Thonmi.
HAISMAN: Hang on, is that Thonmi or Thomni?
HAISMAN: Wait a minute – Songsten or Songtsen?
HAISMAN: Oh sod this, I’ll end up with carpal tunnel syndrome at this rate!
LINCOLN: Here’s a thought, should we have any female characters?
HAISMAN: Do they allow lassies into monasteries?
LINCOLN: Christian ones, no. But who knows what those heathen Buddhists get up to! Don’t give me that face Mervyn, it was a joke.
HAISMAN: Well, Doctor Who travels with a young girl. Won’t she do?
LINCOLN: Fine by me. She can get into trouble and squeal and stuff.
HAISMAN: Yes, just the ticket. Now, can we copyright the word Yeti?
LINCOLN: I don’t think so. That’s a shame, they could be the next Daleks!
HAISMAN: Yetimania! We could be rich. Must make sure we retain the merchandising rights if we can.
LINCOLN: Agreed. Well, that’s a good day’s work, Mervyn, I think we’re onto a good thing here.
HAISMAN: Yes indeed. Is it too early to start thinking about a sequel?
LINCOLN: Never too early for that! But surely the Yeti only work thematically in the Himalayas?
HAISMAN: Oh yes, I suppose so. Couldn’t have them marching around modern day London, I suppose.
LINCOLN: Oh no. Far too silly. That would never happen.
ADVENTURES IN SUBTITLING. Victoria gets labeled ‘Polly’ at one point.
LINK to The Sontaran Experiment: Both sets of monsters like globes!
NEXT TIME… May the Gods look favourably upon you while we Sleep No More.