ZEG: Dalek assembly help line, you are speaking with Zeg.

RECON: Zeg, hi. I’m a Dalek recon scout. I’m marooned on a primitive planet. I’ve been separated from my casing and I need to build another.

ZEG: Jeez, that’s no good.

RECON: Yeah, I really need to get back to exterminating some shit.

ZEG: OK, have you located the allen key?

RECON: The what?

ZEG: The allen key is a critical tool for putting together your casing, recon scout. You should find it in a little plastic bag of screws and things inside flatpack box number 1.

RECON: I don’t have any flat pack boxes.

ZEG: What, do you mean they haven’t arrived? Have you recently changed address?

RECON: I… no… I, look, I’m marooned on an alien planet. I have no flat packs!

ZEG: OK, what have you got then?

RECON: Well, I have appropriated the body of one human female!

ZEG: Urgh, don’t tell me that! That’s gross, why did you do that?

RECON: I had to get around somehow! I couldn’t just crawl around on my grubby little protuberances, now could I?

ZEG: What happened to your original casing?

RECON: Nothing. I dunno. Shut up.

ZEG: Dude, what happened to your original casing?

RECON: Some of the human primitives… destroyed it.

ZEG: Ha! Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh.

RECON: There was a lot of them! Dozens!

ZEG: Oh, I’m sure there was!

RECON: And they had swords and clubs and shit.

ZEG: Stop it, you’re killing me! How did they manage to destroy your casing?

RECON: They set fire to it.

ZEG: Um, how? I mean, was it made of cardboard or something?

RECON: Dalek Zeg, you are not being very helpful. If you do not start assisting me to build a new casing, I will leave you a one-star review.

ZEG: OK, OK. So you don’t have any flatpacks and you have latched on to one woman. What other resources do you have at your disposal?

RECON: I have located some remnants of my original casing.

ZEG: Great – how much have you got?

RECON: I have the weapon!

ZEG: Good, good.  What else?

RECON: Um, that’s about it.

ZEG: Well, at least when the humans destroyed the rest of your casing they decided to keep the most dangerous part. No eyestalk though?

RECON: No.

ZEG: What about a suction hand?

RECON: No.

ZEG: That’s OK, they’re pretty useless anyway. What about a radio transmitting saucer thing which clips on at the back?

RECON: Thankfully, no.

ZEG: OK fine, what other resources do you have at your disposal?

RECON: I have conquered a small shed full of bits of metal! Iron, steel and so on.

ZEG: No bonded polycarbide?

RECON: No, but I do have some car indicator lights which I can use for my flashing ears.

ZEG: Um, good. Now how will you shape this metal without your multifunction suction hand?

RECON: I have this human female. I was thinking she could do all the heating and banging of metal.

ZEG: Ooh, good idea. OK. First things first. What are you going to do for a skirt?

RECON: Bugger the skirt. I want torpedo balls!

One hundred rels later

RECON: Uploading image now. OK, how do I look?

ZEG: *sniggers*

RECON: Dalek Zeg!

ZEG: No, seriously. Fine, you look fine.

RECON: Do you think the skirt flares out too far?

ZEG: Nah. You should see the Rolykins ones.

RECON: The star picket hand’s a bit useless.

ZEG: There is that toilet plunging thing you found…

RECON: No way. If I’d known that was what human beings used those things for, I would never have had one in the first place!

ZEG: But on the other hand… TORPEDO BALLS!

RECON: TORPEDO-FUCKING BALLS MAN! (short Dalek dance ensues)

ZEG: Well, I’ve got to plunger it to you, Recon Scout. You’ve managed to build a fully functional and armed Dalek casing using only the scrap metal of a primitive society at your disposal. Complete with death ray, life support and levitation. I can barely credit it!

RECON: Perhaps I should add that hump and paint myself a jaunty colour?

ZEG: I wouldn’t if I were you. Have you exterminated the human female?

RECON: I’ll do it in a minute. I wanted to try on my new casing first! It’s not like she has friends who will come and rescue her or anything.

ZEG: What will you do next?

RECON: Fly to the humans’ communication HQ and turn off the internet!

ZEG: OK. Not super ambitious.

RECON: Not so fast, Dalek Zeg. Then I’m going to contact the Dalek fleet and exterminate all humans!

ZEG: That’s more like it. No sign of the Doctor?

RECON: No. Though I have seen a human in a long coat with a bunch of sidekicks, talking to me from the inside of a big hexagonal shaped control room. But it can’t be the Doctor because it was quite girly.

ZEG: Sounds legit. But if he does turn up, just remember to take care of your casing. I mean, it will be fine if say, human soldiers attack you with bullets and guns and things, but you are susceptible to electrical components switching between high amperage low voltage and low amperage high voltage. So, you might want to stay clear of any microwave ovens.

RECON: Why would the Doctor be carrying a microwave oven around with him?

ZEG: Yeah, you’re probably right. Don’t worry about it.

 

LINK TO: The Face of Evil: companions’ fathers in both.

NEXT TIME: More home-made monsters in Rise of the Cybermen/The Age of Steel. Trust me on this.