TARRANT: Dalek Zeg! We had best get on with organising this alliance of alien races for our latest campaign against the Doctor.
ZEG: Oh, bugger it! How did we get lumbered with this, Dalek Tarrant? I’ve already been doing overtime on the redesign of our casings!
TARRANT: Yes, and look how well that went down, Zeg.
ZEG: It was going fine till they made me add that hump on the back.
TARRANT: Anyway… what we need is an alliance of alien badasses that will scare the etheric beam locators off anyone who dares to question the might of the Daleks!
ZEG: Don’t we already have an alliance, lying about the place somewhere?
TARRANT: We used to have one, but it was pissweak. Remember? There was that spiny faced guy…
ZEG: Oh that’s right. And the seaweed in a big robe.
TARRANT: That big black Christmas tree…
ZEG: And that guy covered in half globes! He looked ridiculous!
TARRANT: So none of those numpties get invited again.
ZEG: All right, who do you want for this lot then?
TARRANT: Well, the Nestene Consciousness, I suppose, ‘cos we’re going to need duplicates.
ZEG: Wait a minute, don’t we make duplicates?
TARRANT: Yes, though lately ours have tended to have eye stalks erupt from their foreheads at inappropriate moments.
ZEG: Fair enough, it’s a terrible giveaway. Who else have you got?
TARRANT: Um, the Cybermen?
ZEG: Ooh, that’s going to be totes awks.
TARRANT: Why do you say that, Dalek Zeg?
ZEG: A few years back they proposed an alliance to us. And we exterminated their arses.
TARRANT: They won’t care.
ZEG: They might!
TARRANT: No, they literally won’t care. They can’t, remember? That’s their whole thing.
ZEG: OK, who else you got?
TARRANT: The Sontarans?
ZEG: Ugh. I don’t get those fuckers. They’re supposed to completely obsessed with that “interminable war with the Rutans” TM. But then they’re always getting involved in these other hijinks. Don’t get me wrong, they’ll jump at the idea. Anything to avoid actually prosecuting that war they’re meant to be a part of.
ZEG: Those lizard things? That’s going to be pain. We’re going to have to wake them up. Have you got a big drill or a cyclotron or something? Then we’ll have to explain the whole thing to them… They’ll want to do their whole, “kill all the apes and reclaim our planet” routine… On the other hand, they’re on their home planet, so we won’t need to pay their per diems.
ZEG: Didn’t you already say them?
TARRANT: No, I said Sontarans.
ZEG: What’s the difference?
TARRANT: Not a great deal. But the Judoon have better boots.
ZEG: Oh they’re the police ones, aren’t they? I’m not sure they’re going to want to be in a kind of super group of villains.
ZEG: Those guys in the big flying rock? Jeez, if you want. None of that voodoo bullshit though. Just let ‘em stand at the back and keep quiet.
TARRANT: The Hoix?
ZEG: The who?
TARRANT: The Weevils?
ZEG: You’re just making shit up now.
TARRANT: Terileptils, Zygons, Chelonians, Drahvins…
ZEG: The Drahvins? Oh come on, I draw the fucking line. A bunch of skinny chicks with elaborate eye make up? Fat lot of use they’ll be. Are they bringing their special magnetic net?
TARRANT: Dalek Zeg, I sense you are not approaching this task constructively.
ZEG: Give me a fucking break, Tarrant. The bloody Drahvins? What a bunch of b-listers. It’ll be the freaking Slitheen next.
TARRANT: Well, actually…
ZEG: Seriously? Why not call the Bandrils? I hear they’ve been free since about 1985. What about the Vardans? I bet we can get the Krotons for equity minimum. Ooh, no I’ve got it… the Monoids! With their cattle prods of doom!
TARRANT: If this is the sort of attitude you brought to the redesign of our casings Zeg, I can see how we ended up looking like giant M&Ms.
ZEG: What’s all this in aid of anyway?
TARRANT: Well, it appears that the Doctor is going to bring about the end of the Universe.
ZEG: Hey, that’s our job!
TARRANT: I know, right? So we’ve got to prevent him from being able to do it.
ZEG: How so?
TARRANT: We’ll lock him in a big box.
ZEG: Genius. Where is this box?
ZEG: Um, why?
TARRANT: Well, a scenario has been constructed from the memories of the Doctor’s companion.
ZEG: And she once went to Stonehenge?
TARRANT: No, she liked Roman occupied Britain when she was a kid, and it’s kind of close by. Plus, she likes the box thing, so there’s that as well.
ZEG: But wait a minute, we think this will ensure the Doctor shows up?
TARRANT: It’s a trap the Doctor cannot resist!
ZEG: It just sounds a bit complicated, Tarrant. If we want the Doctor to show up, why don’t we just do something evil? He’s turned up every other time we’ve done that. Without bloody fail!
TARRANT: Yeah, it would be simpler but we just don’t have anything on the drawing board that’s ready to go.
ZEG: OK, so what’s the plan once the Doctor is inevitably drawn to this devious trap?
TARRANT: Well, we shove him in the box.
ZEG: And then?
TARRANT: That’s it.
ZEG: Right. It suddenly goes from hugely complicated to sort of alarmingly simple. And what do all the other alliance members do?
TARRANT: Well the Nestene duplicates…
ZEG: Which we could at a pinch supply ourselves….
TARRANT: Well, they’ll actually put him in the box. Bit hard with the old plungers, y’see.
ZEG: OK, and everyone else?
TARRANT: They just sort of turn up for a gloat.
ZEG: Right. Tarrant, you remember the last time we had an alliance? Remember what our alliance members did then?
TARRANT: Um yeah. They stood around a big desk for a bit. Then they went to a conference and clapped idiosyncratically. Then some of them betrayed us and had to be exterminated. And then we got bored of them and locked them all up.
ZEG: And none of them were strictly speaking necessary either were they?
TARRANT: Not critically, no.
ZEG: Tarrant, this is the dumbest thing we have ever done.
TARRANT: Says the Dalek who painted us the united colours of Benetton.
ZEG: Fair enough. Shall we just exterminate each other now?
*Ka-shoom! Screen goes negative*
LINK TO The Claws of Axos: Presumably the Axons are in this formidable bunch of alien badasses somewhere. (With thanks to Will Brooks)
NEXT TIME: Mercy, just look at this place. We unearth The Tomb of the Cybermen.
I now want Zeg and Tarrant to do all the reviews!
I’ll talk to their agents!